D-Day Looms for Natasha

Wake me up when you've got something for me!
Originally uploaded by mkb_nf.

Well, we decided earlier this week (actually shortly after I posted Eight Days In ) that Friday morning was time. We have our appointment scheduled at the vet's office for 8:00am. So in less than forty-eight hours I wil be losing a companion that I've had for pretty much all of my adult life.

It's been tough, these past two weeks. And the past two days have been kind of odd. Some moments I'm okay with the whole situation, knowing that it really is for the best, then there are other times that I am just a wreck.

The biggest difficulty that I have had during this entire process, right from last August when we found out that it was cancer, that the mass was active, and based on its size that she had about a year, has been guilt. For upwards of a year, maybe more, I was aware of that lump in her belly - I could feel it underneath the skin. At the time I chaulked it up to the fact that she was getting old and it was probably a calcium deposit, like th kind of family dog has gotten (as she's sixteen or so now).

I feel guilty because had I brought her to the vet earlier, had they removed the mass earlier, there would have ben less of a chance that cancer cells could have spread into her body. A mass of less than 2cm means an expected lifespan of two to five years. A size of 2cm to 5cm means about a year and more than 5 cm indicates six months or less. Natasha's was in that middle category.

What if I had brought her earlier and they had caught it sooner. Two years wouldn't be up yet, five years would still be a long time away. For a cat her age it may have even taken us the course of her natural life.

But I guess it is too late for "what if"s at this stage. I have about forty hours left with my kitty (as they'd say down here in the south). I'd like to spend it with her lying on my chest and me scratching her head the entire time - but alas life will get in the way: the need to sleep, a couple of meetings at the university tomorrow, plus there is always the fact that Natasha has always been cuddly only on her terms (i.e., when she is in the mood).

To watch us over the past few days it would have been kind of funny to an outsider. I've been doing a lot of work on my laptop in our home office. I'd start the morning in the cushy, comfortable chairand she'd start the day lying on the floor. Before too long she'd jump up on a second metal chair in the office, with only a half or quarter inch of foam for support. The first time I'd leave the office, she'd jump down out of her chair and up into mine - the cush, comfortable one. When I'd return, knowing the fate that awaits her, I haven't had the heart to push her out of the comfy chair so here I sit on the hard metal one. :)

A little something to make me smile in a week that hasn't seen many of them...

Tags: cat, Flickr